I have been wanting to write about this on my blog for a great deal of time now, but I vowed that I wouldn't until I was pregnant and long into or finished with my first trimester. Our story on this baby is so very different from when I got pregnant with Violet, and this story is not something I've really shared with many people to a great extent. So I'll just get to the story. :-)
It's funny when you want a baby, and all the social media these days everything is so in your face telling you to get going with your life, or it seems you'll miss the boat and get left far behind. A little over a year ago, back in late September/early October, I found out I was pregnant with our second child. We had been wanting to try again for some time, and told each other that we would just let it happen, and just like the first time, it happened, so easily. We were ecstatic. Unfortunately, my best friend whose destination wedding was in the coming June was excited for me but extremely disappointed that her matron of honor would not be able to attend. Still she supported me anyway, but when your best friend isn't crazy with excitement, it feels like something is missing. Life went on for the next few weeks, and I couldn't wait to go back to see my OBGYN and start getting through the process. When I set up my appointment, I discovered that Dr. Ball had gained a BUTTLOAD of patients in the last two years (she really is that amazing, so I wasn't surprised) so I was asked if I didn't mind seeing her nurse practitioner to confirm the pregnancy. It was around 7-8 weeks when Justin and I went to the doctor. We got there and it was so odd, our wait time in that waiting room was over an hour, and then when they finally called us back, the nurses (not the usual nurses that I dealt with there) didn't have it together at all, I felt like everything was rushed dealing with me and Justin, it still took another 30 minutes or so for the nurse practitioner to see us. During the ultra sound, the NP was quiet....then she says, "are you sure you have your dates right?" knowing me, yes, I KNOW my dates. I even have special cycle calendar app on my phone. "I know my cycle dates" I say. She was still silent. Finally, she says with absolutely no assurance in her voice, "If you are 8 weeks today, something isn't right, your baby is measuring at only 5 weeks". Me- "ok, so what does that mean...."
NP-" well, it could just mean your cycle dates are off, or it could be a miss." Me-"what's a miss?"
NP-"a missed miscarriage. your body still thinks its pregnant but the baby stopped growing two weeks ago." I got to say at that moment, it was one of the worst moments in my life. The look on Justin's face was a mix of confusion and disappointment. The NP who I felt wasn't giving me straight answers, the fact that I even at that moment was still experiencing major nausea, the fact that I had just that moment told my coworkers I was leaving early to go to the doctor because I was YAY! pregnant! and all of a sudden, in such a small amount of time, I wasn't pregnant anymore. I was totally shocked, embarrassed, and most of all sad. To have to explain this situation to people over and over in the next weeks was torture. I cant believe I even made it to work. Finally, a week and half later, I had to get a D&C procedure and that in itself was horrifying. I wanted my mom....but mom is hardly mom at all these days. Then, my aunt in California emails me the day I had my D&C and says, "your dad told me the great news! Congrats!" I was pretty pissed that when I told my dad I was pregnant I asked him not to share it with anyone and he went ahead and told people anyway. I was so upset with everything that I replied back something like, "well, he shouldn't have been telling people because I had a miscarriage". The whole ordeal was just horrible. I couldn't even help feeling like my best friend was relieved that I had miscarried, so now I would be able to go to her wedding. That's how bad it was, I wanted to blame anyone.
Once I had our first child, something happened inside me. It wasn't about me anymore, and I was totally ok with that. In fact, I was soooo happy that I wouldn't worry about me anymore as much. I had this person who was created because of Justin and I, thius person that I had created my whole world around. And it felt so amazingly good to have it this way. I had no real complaints about being a Mom. I watched my own husband change into this even more amazing person, and it had everything to do with being parents to Violet together. That euphoria that I experienced the day Violet was born, never really went away, I just knew how to incorporate that feeling into my life better. Justin and I wanted another baby, we felt that there was more love to give, and now Violet deserved a little piece of this heaven along with us and get a sibling.
Time passed, and I was still dealing with that loss the best that I could. I remember telling Justin, "if I ever had another miscarriage, we are getting another dog!" We did make it to my best friend's destination wedding that June and had an amazing time, and it was around that time that Justin and I decided that we wanted to try again for a baby.
Of course, as usual, getting pregnant came very easily to us, and by the beginning of August I found out I was pregnant again. This time, feelings were VERY mixed, when it came to how Justin and I felt...even when I told one friend, (sorry friends for puttin you on blast) she was upset that I wasn't able to drink with her on our upcoming river trip in a week. I was very hurt by the comments she made, and I know she felt really bad that she had the reaction she did. But even after telling that first friend, I had this feeling, I didn't want to tell anyone about being pregnant. I didn't tell my sister....my dad....the in laws....barely anyone. Justin and I had had conversations about not being as excited this time around because we really weren't sure what to expect this time, we agreed that we had trouble getting our hopes up, we were scarred from the missed miscarriage.
I went to the doctor when I believe I was five weeks at the time, they did a pregnancy test, and though the second line was very light, when they did the ultra sound, my doctor says..."yeah it looks like there's a little something there...." but weirdly, she sounded uneasy for some reason. then she asks, "are you feeling any symptoms yet?" Well, no I haven't yet, I said. But then again with Violet morning sickness didn't start for me until 10 weeks anyway. Maybe I was gonna be lucky and not experience it as bad this time. My doctor wasn't actually able to confirm the pregnancy yet, but we went ahead and scheduled an appointment in 3 weeks to do just that. and for the next few weeks, I went on about my business being excited, but with that, the stress of something happening again lurked in the back of my mind.
One thing I have to mention here, that could be important to this specific pregnancy, is at the time of finding out that I was again pregnant, I was on some medication for panic attacks I'd been having. I was very stressed at the time but for some reason, my mind didn't register that with my body, and I literally felt like I could not breathe those days. I had recently found out my mom, who now resides in a memory care home, had been placed on hospice. It really freaked me out for some reason. I kept telling myself, Julie, you see this every day, you work in the memory care field. But when it's your own parent, especially one as young as my mother, it can be especially hard.
At 7 weeks, one night (I wont go into detail) I noticed and felt odd, and come the next morning I was pretty sure of it, I had naturally miscarried. AGAIN. Justin was unable to go to the doctor with me that morning and as I waited in the waiting room, I continually searched google over and over for someone to say, "no,that's totally normal to happen. You're still pregnant". The outlook at various sites were not promising. I went into the exam room, and as you'd guess, there was no "something" anymore on that ultrasound. I was totally heartbroken and alone. Why? Why? Why?
Why was it sooooo easy to get pregnant with Violet and not ONE issue? I've done this before! With not ONE problem! MY doctor offered me blood testing to possibly get some answers, which I wanted to do as soon as possible. I needed SOMETHING. I ended up having to tell friends and family that I miscarried and they didn't even know I was pregnant. That wasn't fun. I ended up missing some days of work of course to recoop from everything, and I went back eventually and didn't tell many other people about my loss and continued on.
In early October, Justin and I finally got to go do something special that we hadn't done in awhile....we attended Austin City Limits. It was a total blast. While we were there a little thing happened that some people wouldn't think twice about but then again, I'm someone who took it as a sign. As we were sitting listening to Spoon, a lady bug landed on Justin. Justin mentioned to me, "hey, there's a ladybug!" before I was even able to spot it on him, I saw that the same ladybug was on my leg. It sat there long enough for us to take a picture of it and indulge in that little moment together. We both looked at each other and of course, I said it first, "hey, I really hope that means good luck to us." and Justin says, "I'm sure it does".
For a few days I couldn't believe it. I considered not telling any friends or family, but honestly I could not contain myself. Justin and I agreed, this time we would do it different. We were not going to treat this pregnancy as a maybe, or a what if, or a probably. If anything were to happen again, would we feel any worse or better? No. I had gone both routes before with both miscarriages and I felt just a shitty as the last one. This baby like the others, deserved to be believed in, and no matter what happened, it's a life. I told my sister first. (Sorry sis!) I knew what her reaction would be, which was a bit typical of anyone really that knew what I had been through. I told her excitedly that I was pregnant, and she says very vague tone, "cool." and that was it. But what did I expect? I had put my close friends through this "excitement" 3 times now...it was only expected for a reaction that was less than what I had hoped for.
Since my last MC in August I had that series of blood tests done, that lead my doctor and I to somewhat of a conclusion- I had a "genetic mutation for blood clots and a metabolism for folic acid" whatever that means. All of which could have caused me to miscarry multiple times. They say that even if I had this issue before Violet, there's always that chance that could not even effect my pregnancy, it's just sorta a lottery I guess. I was given prescription folic acid supplements, and also ordered to take 1 baby aspirin a day. (which I still do to this day, and will have to through my entire pregnancy). But hey, it seems to be working, so no complaints.
When Justin and I went to the doctor to confirm the pregnancy via ultrasound, I was SO NERVOUS. we'd been here before. That heart beat, that little flicker on the screen was all I dreamt about seeing and hearing again for a year now. Justin held my hand, and when I saw the little blob on the screen, that was the first good sign, then the doctor turned up the volume, and there was that amazing sound- the little tiny heartbeat. I cried like a baby, and I could feel Justin was relieved as I turned to him to high five him. "we did it." and the other thing they said before the appt. ended was "ok, so we will send you home with a bag, and prenatal samples" PEOPLE- the beloved bag. The BAG makes it all real. They don't give you the BAG unless, they are sure of your pregnancy. The bag is such a simple thing, it's a tote bag from the doctors office with a planner, and vitamins, and information, and goodies like that. But seriously, I had wanted this damn BAG forever. Finally. THE BAG!! haha.
So here I am, 14 weeks in a matter of a two days, and at around week 6 I couldn't have been more sick with vomiting at least a few times a day, my face has been breaking out worse than my teenage self EVER did, and I have been totally exhausted ( I don't remember being that tired with Violet) but I'm pregnant! Finally. Violet is totally all about being a big sister already talking to him/her and giving my belly kisses all the time. (the sweetest thing ever)
I felt, that discussing openly, needed to happen. I had kept this ordeal inside me for a long time, and you never know if anyone else, is experiencing this too, but I think if you are, it helps to know someone else's experience, maybe it will give you hope. And matter what happens from now to whenever we will always love this baby and the ones that left us.
