I have been thinking on how to write this post forever. I think as far back as getting pregnant, which was now 20 months ago, I feel like I have trapped in another body. Or maybe thats not even the best way to explain it, but thats why I have waited to discuss this because its so hard to explain. Its so incredible how much having a baby has changed me and one of the biggest hurdles I have had was how different I feel. Most of the time I love this new role I have taken on. I love being a mom, never in my wildest dreams could it have turned out the way it has so far with my husband and baby Violet. Violet, when I'm with her, makes me the best person I can be. I would do anything for her and I do exactly that. Its been so rewarding watching someone grow and become this amazing little lady and how Justin and I have taught her everything she knows so far. But the one thing i have not exactly liked is how when I'm not lost in Violet, like when i am at work, or with friends or accquaintences, I feel like I dont know who I am anymore.
I feel like there are things about me that are the same I try to still be the same person that I was, I still try to joke and talk about the same types of things. I like most of the same things. I try to dress the same, (except I still have 15 lbs of baby weight to get rid of...yeah... STILL. I KNOW.) but there's always this feeling that I have that seems to be fighting to get outside of me that cant get out. Like there's something or someone trapped inside of me. I know that sounds weird but that's just how it is. I have been surrounded with so many different personalities in the past 20 months I know that it has something to do with the way i am these days.
During my pregnancy, I started working at a new apt. community my company at the time had taken over and honestly I blame that job on how unhappy I was during my pregnancy. I worked with a incredibly difficult owner and the staff I was working alongside with were all mostly new to the company and it put me in alot of stress not to mention being pregnant for the first time, and experiencing all of these new feelings and changes was really hard.
Right when Violet was born, we were still living in our loft downtown. To explain the loft if I hadnt before, the loft had 40 foot ceilings and the walls to the bedrooms did not reach the ceiling and there were no doors. So, if you can imagine living in a home with a newborn baby with no doors or ceilings, so every sound, was heard and you could never really get a chance to just be at least in another place away from a newborn with COLIC none the less, tell me how would you feel?
We finally bought a home three months into Violets new life, and Justin and I were so incredibly relieved. The day after we moved into our new house I was due back at work. I was then starting at yet another new property. I was so lucky to get placed somewhere close to my new home at yet another new property my company had taken over. So once again ANOTHER brand new staff to the company. This staff was worse, ( I cant think of any nice words for these people sorry to say) I really wont get too into the boss that I had but I will only touch on what this person had done to me in the 5 long months I spent working for her. I have only heard of this happening to people in the land of nightmares....I never imagined a woman treating another woman this way when you work together but I know there are places where it happens. She harassed me, humiliated me constantly, belittled me and verbally abused me at a time where I was so mentally unstable and unfortunatley, I didnt have all the time in the world to look hard for a new job. Post partum depression is not something you toy with, and this woman hammered me into the ground while she knew that I had PPD. She even forbid me to use my own office to pump breastmilk for my child. I'm sure you would ask if I tried to talk this over with HR, which I did, but it was suprising and totally depressing to learn how little they did for me, and how HARD even they were to even just get ahold of! After so much time with this person I prayed that something good would happen for me. Something exactly right would come up that would be a perfect fit, and it did. But now here I am with the job i have always wanted working with wonderful people, and here I am feeling like some sort of weirdo.
I know it hard to make new friends especially as you get older it is even harder and when I'm still trying to figure out who I am now makes things a little more confusing and awkward for me. I know that I must keep my head and try to be myslef whoever that may be. :-) But on a lighter note after all the craziness of the crappy people I was surrounded by during my 8 hour work day, I do know that I finally feel happy and at ease with what I am doing now. Everywhere you go, unfortunatley there is always that ONE person who tries to screw it up for the rest of them, but if you can learn to tune them out, or just deal with them, then its gonna be ok. I'm sure I will find myself looking back on the way I feel now a year from now and laugh or just be glad and thankful that I made it through. I will be a better person which is what I feel Ive been on my to to anyway.
I like to be a people pleaser, and