what a month does.

well. its been a month of being jobless.

I dont even know if I wanna get started on how agravating it is! I've had four different interviews.one of the jobs im still waiting to see if I got it or not, but so far this company isnt getting their shit together. then, i got a interview for something else on friday and I really so far think thatd be the best for me... but i havent interviewed yet, so i sorta have no idea at the same time. so far day by day, i sit at home. or sit at the pool and tan. or main focus- job hunt. which when there isnt much theres only so much you can do. there's so nothing to do in beaumont! ugh. i feel sorta helpless, sorta lonely, and a definite loser right now, cuz of the days when justin comes home with me still wearing my pajamas.

another funny thing. no one reads this shit. haha. but thats why i decided a few things....since i am pretty sure i will be without any friends. i wanna try to write a book. or get a start on it. i have been going through my old blogs/journals and it makes me laugh...and almost wanna cry a little. everyone has a story to tell, i just need to figure out how to tell it. i know its so many people's dream to do this but for once i want to accomplish something. then- theres a good college here. i don know how long well be here, but i wanna go. i want at least to get a associates. it took me loooong enough to decide that i want to try to do get this done. lots of other people who are really stupid in my book have dont this so i know i can.

the next realization ive come to is that im alot smarter than i let on, or people think. i will continue to thrive on people not believing in me, and not thinking i can do things. i said this in one of my interviews. the one job i did get, which happened to only pay $7 an hour, (i shoulda taken it for the time being) and I think she liked that i said this. i really do feel this way.

oh yeah. one more. I have just watched true blood season 1. OMG. it starts in 2 weeks for season 2. I cant wait! this show rules!!!!

had i ever mentioned my sister is pregnant? well yeah.
are you asking, wasnt she just married las year? yeah.
was the pregnancy planned? mmmhmm.
am i in charge of planning yet another party for her in which none of my family members think I am capable of? yes. sigh. but there's that new found revelation ive had thats going to work. i guess.

i have gotten worried about never getting my chance for a so-called REAL adult life. i know my sister likes being in the limelight. everything seems to be all about her all the time. i dont want to be the forever single girl in my families' eyes. i am seeing more and more people around me getting married and/or having kids. i want that one day. and im not saying "someday" I want that in the near future. I get scared justin doesnt want to provide that. then on the other side i see my old friends going out partying, meeting new people, and having fun. I'm having fun but its different than them. I feel like I'm forever not there and i havent really bettered my situation by moving here. i dont know. i dont know where my heart is at with this shit. only time will tell. what i do know is that justin told me over the weekend that if he ever gets married/ he takes things slowly/ takes him time to do so. im not gonna wait forever. i dont expect alot in the marriage dept. but I do want it to happen. I do want to at least share that excitement with someone one day and I dont think i should act like its not important for at least that. its not "just a piece of paper" its not just "getting to wear the dress" even though thatd be cool. haha.

well. I gonna close. I dont know why i havent taken this time to get the chance to do more blogging. I mean I HAVE been a little busy. busy being anxious for my new chapter in life to start.

almost there.....

so Im moving to Beaumont in exactly 1 week from today. so far packing has been almost cleansing for me. I have already gotten rid of my coffee table (which I really liked) and my first tv EVER that I had for my own room. (this lttle 19inch) and I've got like 2 garbage bags full of stuff I will giving to good will and I'm sure I'll be able to fill another bag before I go. The only ones making it hard for me to leave is my job which is so freaking bittersweet. Mainly, because for the first time ever, I have the Bosses and owners begging me to stay and that feels good, because every other job all the higher-ups have given a shit or even taken a interest on how I've done my job. If i compare Nordstom to this place...i mean shit I dodnt make as much money here, but at least i am happy. At least I get praise. There is good coaching instead of " nothing you do and nothing you try to fix is good enough" per Manuel Medina. Piece of shit.

as for Beaumont....oh geez. I already know that these people in that town are super fucking lazy. No cares service is bad, no one calls you back, its just a lazy town. So I'm going to have to be really really agressive with finding a job. So far the staffing agency I applied with is HORRIBLE. I mean you apply with them and they dont ever bother calling you back again and then they say, "call our availability line to apply for one of our job listings" I call and its a damn answering machine that says leave your name and phone number. thats it. lame. So I called them and I said, "uh....I see some jobs listed that I want to apply for, is that possible to do through you?" I had a funny feeling they were just humoring me. We'll just have to see. I am just gonna have to get in there and dont stop at anything.

I have hardly seen justin at all this month. like AT all. And tomorrow is our 1 year anniversary. I feel a little like we have drifted apart and I know its because we havent seen each other that much. He's always got a disk golf tournament, and the last time he didnt visit for a weekend it was because we were supposed to go to san antonio together for his friends birthday and I couldnt end up going but he ended up going anyway. Which is something he's done before. I shouldnt really get mad, but i do. I get my feelings hurt more like it. I would stick around for him most of the tiem and alot of times I feel like I'm IN this more than he is. Which leads me to my next point. I was going through some of my old shit and came across a journal I wrote in from like 02-03' and duuuude that was the worst time in my life so far. I was so unhappy and I was overweight, broke still at my parents and still always in trouble with my parents and I was dating guys that were so HORRIBLE to me. And this journal I read it and I hold it close to me now cuz I see how much I've changed and figured shit out for myself and in it, it says, "I just wanna meet a guy who is totally into me, is funny like me, dresses like me, likes the same shit as me and talks as much as me" well aside from justin's adventures without he couldnt be more perfect for me. I when iget upset I forget how lucky I am to have him and not everyone will get to have someone that special in their lives. So in short its all about life lessons. And I'm learning them. And couldnt be more happy right now.